At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
