Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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