Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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