he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
