I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
