you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
