I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
