My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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