hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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