Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
