i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize