I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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