Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
