In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
