my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
