Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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