This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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