Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
