My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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