you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
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