Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
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