I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
