the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Come see our sink grown plant.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
