I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
