just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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