I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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