I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
this beer tastes like vomit already
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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