I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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