You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
