where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
