Duck Duck Cougar?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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