I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
