I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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