These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
