I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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