I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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