he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
