I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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