I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
