I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
