Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
