I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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