I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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