you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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