You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
