I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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