Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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