I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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