I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
