I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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