My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
