Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
