If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
