Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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