Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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