he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
