Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
